After having weight loss surgery in September, I was really worried about going out into the world and ... well eating and being. I felt like I had a huge zoom lens on me, and that everyone else would be noticing how little or weirdly I ate. This is not a strange or unusual feeling, in reading support forums, there are many people who feel this way for awhile. They are petrified to go out, attend family functions, live life all because they are sure that everyone is going to notice that they are eating less and differently than everyone else.
In reality, hardly anyone notices anything at all. The only time I had anyone comment about anything, was my first time out after surgery when I went to Denny's by myself and had "two eggbeaters with cheese". I was out of town with the Dwarf, but he was at work, and I needed protein and was only on soft foods at the time. It was a great choice and worked perfectly, but since I was by myself, I had the waiter come to the table every 5 minutes asking if I needed anything, was I sure I didn't want something to drink, did I want a side of bread, was everything ok, since I was eating slowly. Honestly, had I been with someone, the waiter wouldn't have cared a wit about what and how I was eating. It was only obvious because I was by myself.
And at no other time has anyone said anything.
Until now.
I am 10 days shy of my 6 month mark now, so I have settled into something of a rhythm with life post bariatric, a routine. Dare I say that I am actually comfortable with my new life, for the most part. But while I am good with what I am doing, the Dwarf Ranger is not. And in the last few days, weeks even, I have been struggling with the Dwarf Ranger making a comment about what I am eating or the nutritional content of what I am eating. And it is getting old and difficult to deal with.
I know that for him, it is coming from a place of love and concern. This isn't a 1950's man who is looking disdainfully at his wife and clicking his tongue saying "a moment on the lips ..." or "are you sure you should have that?" This is a man who has stood beside me through everything, was there for all of the pre-surgery BS, told me it was my decision, and was there through every single second of recovery and wants me to succeed. This is a man who truly wants to help.
The problem is that no matter who you are, there is no tactful way to say, "Is that something you should be eating?" "Perhaps something with protein rather than that item that has no nutritional value would be a better choice" "Did you have your shake today?" "You might want to breathe in between bites." "Chewing not swallowing whole ..." or the myriad of other things that sometimes need to be said to help keep me from being my own worst sabatuer. There just isn't. Because anything you say, no matter how you say it, or how you couch it, comes accross to a person who has been fat their entire life as: "Hey you! Yes you, fat one! Stop eating that fatso! No wonder your so fat!"
I think that sometimes harder than being the person with the weight issue is being the loved one of the person with the weight issue. Because there is nothing and I do mean nothing that you can say or do that is the right thing. You truly want to help, (Or at least my Dwarf Ranger does, I can't speak for others), but there is no way of doing so that doesn't make the person you are trying to help feel like crap or you feel like crap. It is a trap.
Like now, my Dwarf Ranger said something about the choice of snack that I was putting in my mouth. He was right, it wasn't a good choice in general. However, I had purposefully made the choice to have this item and had made different food choices for the day to make up for this specific choice. But he didn't know that and so therefor was right to question the choice. But when I tried to explain, it put me on the defensive and made him apologetic. And then no one felt good.
It's a trap.
I have to stop here, as I originally started this post to whine and complain about the Dwarf Ranger saying something about what I was eating and dealing with others scrutinizing my food choices. But just now the post warped into something completely different. A realization that his position as a helper, as someone who stands beside me and faces the hell that is a life long battle with obesity and weight with me, is just as hellacious as my position as the one dealing with the problem; sometimes even more so as there is no way to ever win.
My head is spinning, as I wasn't expecting that turn. But I suppose that is the whole purpose of writing thoughts out, isn't it? To muddle through things, think through things, and hopefully come out the otherside with a solution or a different view point ...
In this case, I am now realizing how hard it is to be the supporter from my Dwarf Ranger's point of view. And that perhaps instead of getting angry, hurt or frustrated, that having an open dialogue about what I am thinking, my choices, and my health is the better option ...
Perhaps it doesn't have to be a trap.
