First Official Weigh In

So here we are for the first official Weigh-in! It is hard for me to accept that I have gained almost all that I worked so hard to lose before back, but I have. So rather than wallowing in self-pity about it, it is time to do something about it!

Today's official weight:
Weight: 314.6
BMI: 52.3

And now the journey begins officially!

I made the call

to the insurance company today to find out about the possibility of weight loss surgery under our new plan. I had looked into it last year, but our insurance company didn't cover it. Since we got switched to a new insurance this year, I thought I would check into it to see what my options were and wether that door was open to me now.

It turns out that it is a possibility!

Now I don't know weather or not this is the route that I want to go, but it is an option that I want to explore. I have been fighting with my weight since I was 11. And I truly think that while even surgery wont be a simple answer and I will still have to fight for the rest of my life, that in the end I need more specific help and a definite solution. And that surgery maybe it.

So I did it, I called. And I have information being sent to me, as well as a call with a bariatric nurse scheduled for the first of February. I already know what weight loss center I want to use, and I think I am going to look into going to one of their seminars before the meeting with the nurse, so that I am more informed for the call.

Possibilities!

What path do I take?

Since I have been here before, walked the path, had some successes, but ultimately ended up back where I started, one must ask the question, where do I begin this time? What path do I take? Where do I start?

Well those are questions that I don't have the answer to.

I don't want to do weight watchers again. At least not in the sense of ever giving them one more dime of my money. I could have a discussion about doing a program that is Weight Watchers-esque, but I absolutely refuse ... refuse ... REFUSE to give them one more cent. You might say that I have WW issues.

So, where does that leave me? What do I do? What program do I try?

Honestly, I don't know. I am not sure where to start.

I know I need to make changes. I know that what I need to do is stop emotionally eating, and stop letting the chocolate run my life, and to control my portion sizes, and to journal, and just do what I know what is right to do. I had done it for 6 years! Why do I need a "program"? After all I lived it, I should be able to just do. But for some reason, it just isn't that easy.

I guess this time, I need more. I need more that what I did before. I just don't know what.

The end is the beginning

I have been here before.

The view is nothing new.

But the path, the road, and the journey I have chosen to take is different.

I may stumble, I may fall ...

But this time I will rise

And continue on the road that is before me.

And this time ... this time, I will fly.

From the ashes …

From the ashes, a phoenix shall rise …

I was so excited to finally be going in Hogwarts Castle and FINALLY go on the Forbidden journey ride!

We had been at Universal Studios and Disney World for a week and every time we had gone into Hogsmeade and even looked at the Forbidden Journey Ride, there was a wait time of at least 90 mintues if not longer. So, on our very very last day, we left the place we were staying bright and early and headed to the park with the very intention of the first thing we do was hit Hogwarts Castle and the Forbidden Journey Ride.

The time was 45 minutes so … Woohooo! We get in line and start towards the castle. As we got the front of the castle, I got in the seat tester. I am big. I am very big. And I knew that there was a good chance I wouldn’t be able to go on the ride because I wouldn’t fit. I wanted to know before waiting the full time and before getting excited. So … I sit down and bring down the restraints. The come down, cover my boobs and I felt like I fit. So … Woohooo!!! And into the castle we go…

From the ashes, a phoenix shall rise …

We travel through the castle and I get to see the potions room, walk through Herbology, Dumbledore in his office; as well as see Hermione, Ron and Harry in the History of Magic classroom. And then … then … comes the ride.

From the ashes, a phoenix shall rise …

As I get close to the ride a gentleman who works in Hogwarts asks if I have ever been on the ride before, I say no, and he asks me to come over and try the test seat. This doesn’t surprise me at all, I figured I would have to prove that I could fit in the ride, so I sit down and he pulls down the safety restraints …

This is where I find that while it’s great that they have the seat for you at the beginning of the ride to test, but it does very little good if there isn’t someone there to tell you if the restraints are all the way down. I had brought them down, crushed my boobs, felt I was good. Well apparently I wasn’t. There was a certain place it was to come down and I was too large for the seat.

To the gentleman’s credit, he tried everything to allow me to go. He pushed, he heaved, he tried to crush me, he even leaned against it, all in front of everyone behind me in line, but to no avail, I was too large. He then says “You’re too big, you can’t go, leave the queue.”

From the ashes, a phoenix shall rise …

My dear sweet husband, the Dwarf Slayer, was also asked to sit in the seat and while large, he was told he could go on a modified seat and was ushered back into line with his son, the Little Dwarf Warrior. I was left to wonder what I was to do and eventually asked the oh-so-kind gentleman and he gruffly pointed to a door and said “go in and wait there.” I fight back tears, force a smile on my face, wave at the Little Dwarf Warrior and my Dwarf Slayer and go through the door to find myself unceremoniously deposited at the end of the ride.

From the ashes, a phoenix shall rise …

I think the ride lasted 10 – 12 minutes and the entire time, I fought the tears that were coming unbidden to my eyes as streams of happy, excited people disembarked the ride, stared at me, and then went into the gift shop. Eventually, after what seemed an eternity, my Dwarf Slayer and the Little Dwarf Warrior got off the ride and I could see the excitement in the Little Warrior’s eyes. While sweet, it was like a knife inside the already deep wound that I was not allowed to be apart of this fun, that I was not allowed to join in, that I was denied the one and only thing I had wanted to do on this entire trip.

Little Dwarf Warrior immediately started to ask why I didn’t go on the ride and why I was so upset and why I was so quiet. I was then left with having to explain to this 7 ½ year old, that his step-mother was too heavy to go on the ride and that sometimes heavy people don’t have the same opportunities as those who are not as heavy. Could this get any worse? Having to explain that you were told you were too fat to go on a ride to your own child?

From the ashes, a phoenix shall rise …

I am devastated. The one and only part of this trip that I wanted to experience and my size kept me from it; my weight kept me from it. And I was made to go through this awful, humiliating, and embarrassing event that I then got the pleasure of reliving as I tried to explain it to my child.

I tried my best to hide my pain, though I did hide in the bathroom for awhile so I could cry and let it out. The irony that Moaning Myrtle was moaning in the bathroom as well, was not lost on me.

As I sat in that stall, listening to the cries of Moaning Myrtle, I realized that I had two roads open before me. I could let this experience devastate me, send me into a huge depression, ruin all things Harry Potter for me and keep me from doing other things in my life, or I could take this event and make it my catalyst. I could let the old me, the large me, the fat me, burn in the fire of that experience and from the ashes let rise a different me, a healthy me, a happy me and a content me.

From the ashes, a phoenix shall rise …

And so I have chosen the path of rebirth and renewal. I know the journey will not be easy. I know that the journey will be fraught with difficulties, blocks in my path, turns in the road, and even mini fires with other renewals, but I am determined to see the phoenix rise from these ashes!